Saying no seems to have become an art form, something people think they can’t do. We are caught up in our busyness with the favorite line being, “Oh, I just don’t have time”. Yet, we say yes anyway. Schedules are frantic. Exhaustion, frustration and the never-ending impatience are common. Words like guilt abound. Do you feel like a hamster on a wheel with no idea how to get off? One-way is to set personal and professional boundaries. Just say no – Yes you can!
Where to begin? Look at your life and divide it into 5-8 personal and professional categories. You may choose relationships, financial, fun, health/wellness, work/professional, spiritual/religious or other categories that fit your life. In what areas are you the most satisfied? In which are you least satisfied? On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the most satisfied), how satisfied are you with each area?
When you are finished with your satisfaction ratings for each category, go back and rank each one on a “busyness” scale of 1-10. How busy are you in each category? How much time, effort and energy are you expending in a category in relation to how satisfied you are in that area?
Do you see yourself being very busy in very unsatisfying areas of your life? Or, expending lots of energy tolerating an area of your life where you just can’t say no? Is your time and effort filling up your calendar in areas that you are far from passionate about? Use a strategy designed by Marcia Wieder, CEO of Dream University in San Francisco, California and “turn your calendar right side up”. Marcia advises to “say no where you have a choice” to things that you are not passionate about, that don’t bring you joy and fulfillment. Going to work or picking up your children are responsible choices. However, volunteering in an area where you are miserable and resentful only because volunteering is a “good thing to do” and you feel obligated to do so is not a positive choice in your life.
Build a foundation for establishing boundaries by clarifying your values, passions and purpose in life. These are longer coaching conversations than this article can address, but getting clear about your satisfaction and “busyness scale” in the areas of your life are great first steps. Where are you in your life right now and where do you want to be? Where is it meaningful for you to say yes and how often?
Start where you are. Are you one of those “too nice” people who will always say yes? Start by practicing your “no”. Practice with a friend. Practice in front of a mirror. Practice your no without justifying your answer. Adding a complimentary phrase such as, “Thank you for thinking of me, but I am unable to attend.” is appropriate. Other responses are, “I appreciate your kind invitation but I must say no.” “I hear your situation but I am unable to help in that way.” You may want to offer an alternative resource. “I can’t take you to work but I believe our friend Sue goes that way each morning so you may want to try her as a resource.”
Decide your criteria for saying no ahead of time. Better yet, put a positive spin on it and decide your yes criteria. Your yes criteria might look something like this. 1. Am I passionate about this activity for myself or my family? 2. Can I fit it into my calendar without increasing my stress? 3. Is it financially within my means (or available assistance/scholarships)? 4. Is it fun? Create 3 or 4 questions that are important to you. If a situation does not pass your 3 or 4 yes criteria, then the answer is no. What yes creates fulfillment, meaning and fun in your life? Sometimes the best yes in your life is actually a no.
You will be giving more to those in your life and those you want to make a difference with by setting your boundaries firmly. You cannot give what you don’t have. Giving of yourself in ways that are detrimental to you, your health, well being, your family, colleagues and friends results in an unfulfilling life.
Say yes to your purpose and passion and no to the busyness, stress and heartache. It’s all about making the best choice for you, and you do have a choice in many instances. Exercise good choices so that you and those around you will reap the benefits over and over again. What will you say no to today to create room for your best fit of yeses?
Just say NO – YES you can!
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